This is so shallow.

I fucked up. And I just can't seem to stop. I'm trying so hard to not fuck up.

Exasperated, you'd think I would implode. Maybe I did. 

I need a distraction. I need to forget. I need to remember.

I need to prove myself by trying to be right all the time because that's the only thing I have going for me. I suck at everything pretty much. I'm ugly and fat.

I also think that I'm not as smart as I want to believe, which scares me to death. Because if I'm not smart, then I'm not anything.

I'm not nice, I'm not pretty.

Yeah sure I can listen, but I can't be trusted. 

I try to tell you guys stuff, Caity and Mel, and I feel like everything I say just gets totally shot down every time. I'm trying to be prettier. Get thinner. But all I get is 

"Uhh, no, that won't work."

"Do this instead."

I can't! 

I can't. I'm trying to do what I can to be better. I just wish you guys could see that. 

Kayla just seems easier to talk to because she just always sits there and listens and somehow finds the positive thing in it. 

I know you learn the most from someone you disagree with, but sometimes, I just wish someone would get it. 

I just miss so, so, so, so much the way things used to be with Mel and me. 

Why would anyone love me? My heart is black, and a quarter of it was shattered and it healed crookedly. I'm bitter. I think that certain parts of your heart can be broken at different times. One part is missing all together, I figure that's for my "true love" or whatever. One part is for my family, and that's still intact. One part is for your best friend, which is crooked like I said before. And then the left over goes to everyone or everything else. And I think that's still intact. So what, I only have half of a heart? That's stupid.

All I know is that I'm sad all of the time. And none of this probably makes any sense. I guess I figured I'd just say it. Instead of finding some classier way to spell it out. Because I really have nothing else to lose from this being read.