J.D. Salinger
Kids who don’t fit in (duh).
Stephanie Meyer
People who type like this: OMG. Mah fAvvv <3>
J.K. Rowling
Smart geeks.
Jeffrey Eugenides
Girls who didn’t get enough drama when they were younger.
Jonathan Safran Foer
30somethings who were cool when they were 20something.
Jodi Picoult
Your mom when she’s at her time of the month.
Chuck Palahniuk
Boys who can’t read.
Leo Tolstoy
Guys I want to date.
Fyodor Dostoevsky
Guys I want to sleep with. (The difference between the two Russian authors lies in the fact that I think the Underground Man is sexier than Pierre Buzukhov).
Ayn Rand
Workaholics seeking validation.
David Foster Wallace
Confirmed 90’s literati.
Jane Austen (or Bronte Sisters)
Girls who made out with other girls in college when they were going through a “phase”.
Haruki Murakami
People who like good music.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
People who can start a fire.
Nathaniel Hawthorne
People who used to sleep so heavy that they would pee their pants.
Charles Dickens
Ninth graders who think they’re going to be authors someday but end up in marketing.
William Shakespeare
People who like bondage.
Mark Twain
Liars.
Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
People who drink scotch.
Edgar Allan Poe
Men who live in their mother’s basements. Or goth seventh graders.
Michael Crichton
Doctors who went to third-tier medical schools.
John Grisham
Doctors who went to medical schools in the Dominican Republic.
Dan Brown
People who used to get lost in supermarkets when they were kids.
Dave Eggers
Guys who are in the third coolest frat of a private college.
Margaret Atwood
Women whose favorite color is hunter green.
William Faulkner
People who are good at crosswords.
Jackie Collins
Your drunk stepmother.
Nicholas Sparks
Women who are usually constipated.
James Patterson
Men who score a 153 on their LSAT exam.
Sylvia Plath
Girls who keep journals (too easy).
George Orwell
Conspiracy theorists (too easy).
Aldous Huxley
People who are bigger conspiracy theorists than Orwell fans.
Harper Lee
People who have read only one book in their life and it was To Kill A Mockingbird (and it was their assigned reading in the ninth grade).
Nick Hornby
Guys who wear skinny jeans and the girls that love them.
Ernest Hemingway
Men who own cottages.
F. Scott Fitzgerald
People who get ARM mortgages.
Vladimir Nabokov
Men who use words like ‘dubious’ and ‘tenacity’.
Friedrich Nietzsche
Sommelieres.
Bret Easton Ellis
Foo Fighters’ fans.
Hunter S Thompson
That kid in your philosophy class with the stupid tattoo.
Cormac McCarthy
Men who don’t eat cream cheese.
Thomas Aquinas
Premature ejaculators.
Pearl S. Buck
Women whose favorite president was Harry S. Truman.
Toni Morrison
Female high-school English professors who only have an undergraduate degree.
Stephen King
11th graders who peed their pants while watching the movie It.
H.P. Lovecraft
People who can quote the Comic Book Guy from Simpsons.
Brothers Grimm
Only children with Oedipal complexes.
Lewis Carroll
People who move to Thailand after high school for the drug scene.
C.S. Lewis
Youth group leaders who picked their nose in the 4th grade.
Hermann Hesse
People who own one straw chair in their house.
Phillippa Gregory
Women who have repressed their desire to go to Renaissance Festivals
Gabriel Garcia Marquez
Men who can’t lie but will instead be silent if they know you don’t want to hear the truth.
Stieg Larsson
Girls who are too frightened to go skydiving.
O. Henry
Men who have names like Earl or Cliff and were really close with their paternal grandfather.
Virginia Woolf
Female high-school French teachers who have their master’s degree.
Joseph Heller
People who love buying drinks for their friends. See also, people who cringe when they see their bar tab.
Dean Koontz
People who would never dream of owning any type of “toy” breed dog.
John Irving
People whose parents are divorced.
Salman Rushdie
People who google image search Padma Lakshmi late at night.
Albert Camus
People who went to art school after “trying it out” at a public university.
Kurt Vonnegut
People who played Creep by Radiohead while having sex or smoking pot.
James Joyce
People who do not like John Cusack movies.
Turns out I can start a fire, and I have made out with girls. Though, I do not consider myself someone who would ever type "OMG." Other than right now of course. I happen not to like bondage, and I don't plan on moving to Thailand for the drug scene. But now that I think about it, maybe I will.
ReplyDeleteI just thought it was funny.
ReplyDeleteSo do you think Tadd picked his nose in 4th grade?
ReplyDeletecs lewis is my favorite-as well as steven king but i NEVER PICKED MY NOSE IN 4TH GRADE!! Fifth grade yes but never Fourth
ReplyDeleteLOL
nice list
Ernest hemingway is also a top 5-i noticed not many good poets in the mix-at least not my favorite
very thougth provoking
I thought it was HYSTERICAL. I read it to my family.
ReplyDelete